We pay a lot of lip service to “listening to our gut/instincts/intuition” but do we really listen? I would like to say that I’m in-tune with my intuition and that I listen always. However, that would be so untrue I’d not even be able to look my own self in the mirror, let alone anyone else who I might advise to listen to their intuition.
I made a conscious, well-planned and wise decision to step down from my full-time duties at my job sometime in the last couple of months. The arrows were all pointing in that direction.
The signals were flashing: one babysitter moving away, my kids needing me to be more present, my finances in order…
The signs:::oh, the signs! See above. My kids need me, I was so worn-out, my finances are in order. My finances are in order, until my son is in full-day school, a little over a year from now. I need to effectively double my salary by September 2011, and there is no way to do that in the job I held. I could have continued to work full-time for the same company, but to make the kind of salary necessary to support two children in this area of the country with any type of comfortable lifestyle, I would have to take on more responsibility and work MORE.
The very clear reality set-in when I was in my attorney’s office signing my final divorce papers: I am ‘it’ for my kids. My children’s father spends his every other weekend, has his weekly dinner, calls regularly, but I am ‘it’ for them. I am their rock. I am building their foundation. They depend on and look to me to find their way in this world. I set the example, I teach, discipline and lead them on their path. I am teaching them about intuition, trusting their instincts, how they feel in their “belly” when they have thoughts or concerns.
The same day I sent in my final divorce papers, I learned I needed to move, realized that I needed to trust my intuition to lead me and my kids down the right path: to rent again or to purchase? I knew the answer would present itself. I researched all options, and the arrows pointed in the direction of purchasing, and in a community I almost moved to a year before.
In less than a month, I got pre-qualified for a loan, found a house, bought it, closed and moved. I had a lot of help, but I put it in motion and made it all come together. And I was wondering why I felt so tired, so drained. The 17 month separation, craziness, healing, grounding, growing experience, and closure on divorce, combined with selling a house, moving, and moving again……no wonder. No wonder I was so tired. I AM so tired. One cannot operate in survival mode indefinitely. It was bound to catch up at some point.
And catch up it did! In cycling-down, recovering from the trauma of a divorce, jumping thru hoops, some seemingly unnecessary yet important exercises, I am finding myself tired yet invigorated. I’ve never run a marathon, but I am certain this is how a runner feels after finishing one. Tired, drained, exhausted, elated, invigorated, ready to move forward! What’s next? Where to from here? A HUGE accomplishment! I’ve just completed a life marathon.
So, with my listening ears, heart, all the arrows pointing in ‘that’ direction, the signs there, some blaringly obvious, I still found myself in a contemplative and doubt-filled space. I was questioning my own intuition, my decision… They asked me to stay on, reduced-duties, and still be actively involved in the company. I agreed temporarily while they search for my successor. They asked again if I would stay on, reduced duties, different title, “remember who you’d be working with” (a local super star) and it got me thinking, questioning my decision.
In talking with the wonderful babysitter who’s moving away, my listening ears and heart turned back on, my intuition glowing……. A bright light from my heart and belly, if you will. I had made up my mind a while back. I decided to take the leap of faith, certain, absolutely certain, that I’m doing the right thing. She reminded me of that as I talked thru it. I have surrounded myself with amazing people who know and understand me, and remind me to put my head back on straight when needed. She also reminded me that I was resolute, and that in doubting temporarily, I’ve re-affirmed my decision.
So, arrows pointing, signals blaring/flashing, signs clearly posted, and listening ears and heart attuned…..I move ahead. I have decided that it’s time to jump into the cold water with both feet. My toes have already felt the water, and though it’s pretty cold, maybe even a little uncomfortable and scary, it feels GREAT! Cleansing, renewing, exciting, fresh. It’s where I need to go, it’s what I need to do. If I continue to trust my intuition and follow my heart, my children will also benefit. They benefit from a happy, balanced and grounded mama. They benefit from my success. They benefit from my example.
My daughter announced yesterday that she’s happy because “Mami’s happier now” BAM! How’s that for a sign???
I share this because life brings us exactly what we need, when we need it. I share this because I’ve been given a gift. I share my gift, I share my journey. I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing community surrounding me with love and light.
Blessings. Gratitude. Love.